it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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