it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
