She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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