I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
