Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
