What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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