Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
