is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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