I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
