I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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