first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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