Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
