It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
this is an emotional support booty call
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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