hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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