but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize