Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
