there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
