grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize