Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
not ubering you a puppy
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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