DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
