i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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