I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
