What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
