I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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