Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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