my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
