I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
