3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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