So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
