I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
