woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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