I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
