I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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