omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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