the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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