When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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