May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
