There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
