I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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