I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize