Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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