soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize