Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
