So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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