why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Text me some of your sweat
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