No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize