I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
