I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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