youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
