i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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