I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
from now on my penis is your penis
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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