You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
