Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
