There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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