I think I won the penis lottery.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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