explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
