I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
