see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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