OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
should my penis look like a turkey
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
