im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
