I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
