I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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